Monday, August 17, 2009

Stronger Woman

**Stronger Woman by Jewel**
I guess you could say I'm one of those girls

That's always been with one of those guys
You know the type
Like right now, he sleeps while I write
But it's better than crying
I'm worn out from trying
From loving a man who always makes it clear
I'm not welcome here
Just till he's horny and hungry
or needs something cleaned
And you know what I mean

But not tonight
'Cause come the morning light, oh
I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
The stronger woman in me

I'm going to be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no,
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me

Light bulbs buzz,
I get up
And head to my drawer
I wish there was more
I could say
Another fairytale fades to gray
I've lived on hope
Just like a child
Walking that mile
Faking that smile
All the while
Wishing my heart had wings

Well tonight, I'm going to be
The kind of woman I'd want my daughter to be, oh

I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
There's a stronger woman in me
I'm gonna be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
I won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman

This is me, packing up my bags
And this is me, headed for the door
And this is me, the best you ever had
I'm going to love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me even if someone cannot see
There's a stronger woman in me
I'm going to be my own best friend
Stay with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman
A stronger woman
There's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me

I'm not the most creative when it comes to telling people how I feel. I mostly just bottle it up and keep it to myself. Well, that hasn't worked in the past so I've decided to be a *bit* more open.

I chose this song because it pretty much sums up what I've been doing the past month or so. I tried so hard for so long to create a relationship that was ultimately going nowhere. I'm not going to bash Jon because he really is a great guy, as a friend, and we are still friends. We have just grown into two different people and our lives are taking us down separate roads. Whoever said "opposites attract" was a complete moron. The only thing that logic applies to is magnets.

I made the decision to move back to Kansas City with my family and end my relationship with Jon after 5 years, 11 months. It was a heartbreaking decision, but a necessary one. I will be going back to school as soon as financially possible (I seem to have lost my 2008 tax information for the time being) and I will be getting a PhD in Psychology. That is something that I've always wanted to do and I am ecstatic that I am finally putting that dream into motion.

Another thing I'm going to do is learn to drive. Yes, it is alright for you to chuckle at the fact that I am 22 years old and don't know how to drive. It is rather funny and pathetic at the same time. The truth is, I'm terrified of driving and can find no logical reason why. I suppose it could be that I've been in a couple wrecks and was hit by a car while walking to school one year. Or maybe it's that I'm not only responsible for my life but the others around me as well while behind the wheel. Whatever the reason, it scares the hell out of me. But I've realized that being able to drive myself where I need to go is a necessity. I've also learned that it is especially humbling to have your younger brother drive you to and from work. Yeah, I need a license...FAST! =)

I'm also taking some time to reflect on my life and what I want out of it. So what is it that I want out of life?
I want to be independent. I want to get my PhD. I want to get married and have a family. I want to fix my financial status and keep it that way. I want to wake up in the morning and actually be excited for the day. I want to meet a great guy and have a happy life together. Is that so much to ask for?

So after that, I decided I should define a "great guy" so that I know for sure what to look for when I meet someone. I want someone who has goals and a plan to reach them. Someone who wants to make a good life for themselves and it not satisfied with living off practically nothing. Someone who loves me, appreciates me, and lets me know it. (Please don't misconstrue that as me saying I want to be smothered and doted on daily, because I don't. It's the little things that make me the happiest.) I want someone who is family-oriented. Someone who is OK with spending time with their friends without me and is equally OK with me spending time with my friends without them and doesn't
need to know a detailed itinerary of my night, but will listen when I want to talk about it if something funny or crazy happened. Someone who doesn't make me think they are embarrassed to be with me. Someone who won't drool over some "hottie" right in front of me (I realize that all guys will drool over some scantily clad model, if she is clad at all, but seriously, my self-esteem is low enough already. I don't want or need you to drive it further into the ground.) I want someone who doesn't make me feel like a total inconvenience all the time. Someone who will stand up for me when necessary. I want a guy who can be himself around my family and friends and not sit there in the corner counting down the time until we leave. I want someone who can give me a straight answer when I ask a question. I want someone who has an opinion and won't hold it back when I ask for it, but is tactful in the delivery of said opinion if necessary. I want someone who cares. I want someone who is driven and realistically optimistic. I want someone who will actually get off their ass and do something to achieve their goals rather than just saying "oh I'll get to it later". Funny as it may sound, I want a guy who is actually into sports and will actually invite his friends over to watch the game. I want a guy who cares about what's going on in the world rather than just sit there and watch it pass by. I want a guy who looks at life as an adventure and isn't afraid to tackle it head on. So that's one hell of a definition but damn it I know what I want and I refuse to settle for anything less.

Believe it or not, I'm not the brainless idiot some people believe me to be. Sure I can be goofy and ditsy a lot of time but I've realize that it happens when I'm nervous. The behavior also serves as a wall that kept people from truly getting to know me. I've been hurt several times by a few people that were closest to me and it has left its scars. Some wounds have yet to heal. As a result, people have come to expect this behavior of me. So much so that when I share something I feel strongly about or say something profound or intelligent, I get "the look". By that, I mean the look that says "Did SHE just say that and where the hell did that come from?!?!" It hurts, it really does. I am capable of thinking and do so quite a bit, but like I said, I've been hurt and am extremely cautious of who I let my walls down for. I have also realize that by acting that way I tend to annoy people so I'm in the market for a new wall. Maybe one not so tall or thick, but I'm not ready to let just anyone in.

So this has turned out to be quite the post. I think I will end it here for tonight. And if the title or post haven't given it away yet, I tend to ramble. =)

Currently listening to: A Change of Pace
*I've been listening to them throughout the whole post and thought
nothing of their name until now. It seems appropriate. =)


  1. i want all the things you want. we're girls!! so don't be ashamed to know what you want and to tell the universe. how else will you get it? have you read up on the law of attraction?? the secret?

    i never thought you were ditzy in a bad way. funny ditzy, not stupid ditzy. (have you read the shiz that comes out of MY mouth??) you were great on the phone with cardholders. you always made me proud. (that means you didn't escalate, lol) you were always willing to fight for the underdog. that means you have heart. you were always professional. hellooo...i got kathy dahl to give you an award!!!

    give yourself more credit! and congrats on blogging! one word of advice: blog for yourself. don't worry about what people will think, or like. that's not why we start blogging, but it's what everyone turns to. people start following you because they like when you are honest. then bloggers start to second guess their material, and want to please their followers. consider it a diary. uncensored.

  2. Good for you for being good to your heart and mind and ending that relationship. Let yourself heal, take all the time you need, and then get back on the dating horse, girl.

    There are a million guys out there, you just haven't met your perfect match yet.

    (I came from a similar place not all that long ago, and once I did start dating again, I was pleasantly surprised by the cute and nice guys that are out there).

    There are also a lot of losers. Stay away from them though :)