Saturday, September 19, 2009

Out Of My Head

Quick Reminder: This is me..100% real. If you're offended, tough shit doll.

So I found myself second guessing all the decisions I've made over the last few years. It feels like a made a wrong move somewhere. I know, beyond all doubt, that I am where I'm supposed to be. It shouldn't have taken so long to get here though. The major questions I have concern Jon. Hell, they all do. We spent everyday of six years together, literally. I can't seem to answer these:

1. Did I stay in Fargo too long?
2. Was Fargo a bad decision altogether? (except for the friends I made!!)
3. Did I stay with Jon too long?
4. Should Jon and I have been together at all?
5. **WHY** were we together?

Questions 4 and 5 bother me the most. I feel in my heart that one of those 5 was the wrong move. I just don't know which one.

When Jon and I were together I didn't feel like me. It was like I had to wear a mask (bad cliche, sorry) to make myself someone he would brag about. A girl he would be proud to be with. Yeah, that was an epic failure of untold proportions. It angered me when I had to pretend so I became a bitter bitch. That is just so NOT me! I just felt so stressed and uptight all the time. By the time we moved to Fargo, I knew it was over. I just wasn't ready to let go. I clung so hard and tried to beat my fairy tale into reality. I realized I was only with him because I lack self-esteem. Cuz really, who the hell would want me? I asked him once why he was with me, in hope of building my self-esteem. He shrugged and said he didn't know. That hurt. Alot. I knew I had to get out, but that meant giving up on my fairy tale.

The relationship just felt like more work than was necessary. I know you have work at a relationship to make it a success, but shouldn't most of it just be natural and easy? I never felt that with Jon. I never felt much of anything with him. Did I love him? Sure. But in hindsight, it was no more than the love I feel for my friends. All of that combined with six years of empty promises and hollow words, it was finally too much. Two years after moving to Fargo, I closed the book on my fairy tale and moved on.

That is where I am at now. Trying to figure out who I am and where I'm going. For those willing to bear with me right now, thank you. I <3 you!

Out Of My Head -- Fastball

Sometimes I feel

Like I am drunk behind the wheel
The wheel of possibility
However it may roll
Give it a spin
See if you can somehow factor in
You know there's always more than one way
To say exactly what you mean to say

Was I out of my head? Was I out of my mind?
How could I have ever been so blind?
I was waiting for an indication
It was hard to find
Don't matter what I say only what I do
I never mean to do bad things to you
So quiet but I finally woke up
If you're sad then its time you spoke up too

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Miss Invisible by Laura Jensen Walker

I just finished reading "Miss Invisible" by Laura Jensen Walker. It's about a "big woman" (as described in the book) who is constantly running herself down but throughout the book comes to terms with who she is. She makes some changes in her life and finds a great man that loves her despite her size. While reading the book it just resonated so deeply with me since that is what I am going through at this point in my life, minus the great man part -- still on the lookout!

The book starts off with the line "one size does not fit all." I find that to be true. We live in a society in which both men and women must be a certain size to be considered beautiful. I'm going to focus on the pressure on women since I know nothing of the pressures on men. Women must be Barbie incarnate -- hourglass figure, big boobs, bleach blonde hair, perfect teeth, perfect skin, perfect everything. It's absolutely ridiculous how much money women spend on elective surgeries to reach this perceived perfection. It doesn't help that men drool over the airbrushed models in magazines, TV, and movies. Women see the men drooling and think that in order to catch a man they must copy the looks of the current hot model. I am completely disgusted by the actions of both men and women in that scenario. While I understand men will be men and will always drool over the models (because let's face it, women drool over male models just as much), I wish that men would keep it amongst themselves and not act that way in front of women. Of the men I've met, most would prefer a "real" looking woman, meaning she is proportionate. The same men also find it to be a turn-off if a woman talks bad about her body and is constantly down on herself. Well what do you expect when all women see is drooling men?

It's been said that fat is the last acceptable prejudice, I agree. While many prejudices exist in our society, I can't think of any others that are not frowned upon. On this point, I will speak of only my experiences. Being fat (that's right, I said it!) today is a difficult life. It's an embarassing life. Many people think "Well why don't you do something about it then?". It's easier said than done. I've been saying for years how I want to lose weight and have actually tried several times. The truth is, I've always been bigger than other girls, that's just the way I am. In high school (prior to my relationship with Jon) I weighed approximately 150-160 pounds. I was able to maintain that by walking to and from school everyday (about a 2 mile roundtrip) and by playing sports. Then, when Jon and I got together, I put on weight faster than I could have ever imagined. I stopped playing sports and walking the 2 mile roundtrip. Jon picked me up after school and I would go and sit at his house and do nothing. We also ate fast food...ALOT! Jon and I were together for six years and during that time I put on roughly 135 pounds. The most I ever weighed was 287. In the last couple months I've dropped 27 pounds (as of this morning) and currently weigh 260. My goal is to get back to 150-155 pounds by next summer. I know its possible because my mama did it not too long ago. What I mean about life being difficult is that not only do I have to endure the ugly glares from people as I eat in public or go shopping for clothes, I've also developed some health related issues. The pressure on my knees from carrying the weight of another person for so long is taking its toll. The same goes for my ankles. I have very poor circulation in my legs and terrible cardiovascular health (though smoking has contributed greatly to that). I have high blood pressure, though my doctor says its only 10 points too high and isn't a huge issue, it could turn into something worse if not dealt with immediately. I have also developed a bone spur on my spine on my L5 (right above my belt line) that causes me excruciating pain constantly. For that, I have to take 3000 milligrams of Extra Strength Tylenol and 440 milligrams of Aleve on daily basis....just to walk. If I want to do more, like working a 7 hour shift at Subway, its an extra 1000 milligrams of Tylenol and another 220 milligrams of Aleve. Though not related to my weight, I also have chronic migraines for which I take 1000 milligrams of Excedrin Migraine in the morning and occasionally will take 1000 milligrams of Ibuprofen at night if my head hurts before bed. From all that medication, I have frequent heartburn/acid reflux that is very uncomfortable. Being fat is embarassing because of the glares I receive from people at the grocery store, a restaurant, or when I go shopping. I laugh it off and make jokes about my weight but I have a subconscious log of all (well, most) the negativity I've encountered due to my weight. It hurts, it really does. You would think that would be inspiration enough for me to get off my lazy ass and lose weight, but it's not. I don't believe a person can truly change who they are to please someone else. If a person is going to change, it must be for themselves or it will not happen.

The main character says she feels "invisible" because of her size. Meaning that men don't notice her and waiters ignore her or give her a nasty look as she orders her food. I can totally relate. I've only had one boyfriend in my life. I've always felt that if I was skinny then maybe the guys would give me a chance. I still feel that way. In a way I feel cheated by my weight and angry at men, but I realize that I'm the one who's cheated me and I'm the one I should be angry at for letting my weight get out of control. And I can honestly say that when I go out to eat at a sit-down restaurant I don't receive the same service as a skinny person would. The waiters tend to take my order and walk away as fast as possible. They seldom check on me to see if I need my drink refilled or if my food is tasting fine. While to some of you it may sound stupid and trivial, it bugs me. It also bugs me when people stare at me when I wear shorts and a tank top. Just because I'm fat doesn't mean I have to be covered from head to toe all the time. I dress for comfort. If it is 100 degrees outside with a 110 degree heat index, you bet your ass I'll be in shorts and tank top!

For me, being fat is no longer an option. As I said before, my goal is to get back down to the 150-155 pound range. I think I would look absolutely ridiculous as a size 2. I've decided to lose the weight, not because of society's pressures or to attract the eye of a man, but because I want to. I want to wake up in the morning and feel good about the way I look. I was comfortable with who I was six years ago. I want to feel that again. I also believe that if I lost the weight perhaps my health concerns would drastically decrease. And for the record, I do not believe in gastric bypass. I see it as a lazy person's lazy way out of a serious problem. In order to fix a serious problem, you must face it head on and deal with it seriously. A half assed effort simply will not do.

So there you have it. Another rambling blog from a fat blonde.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Stronger Woman

**Stronger Woman by Jewel**
I guess you could say I'm one of those girls

That's always been with one of those guys
You know the type
Like right now, he sleeps while I write
But it's better than crying
I'm worn out from trying
From loving a man who always makes it clear
I'm not welcome here
Just till he's horny and hungry
or needs something cleaned
And you know what I mean

But not tonight
'Cause come the morning light, oh
I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
The stronger woman in me

I'm going to be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no,
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me

Light bulbs buzz,
I get up
And head to my drawer
I wish there was more
I could say
Another fairytale fades to gray
I've lived on hope
Just like a child
Walking that mile
Faking that smile
All the while
Wishing my heart had wings

Well tonight, I'm going to be
The kind of woman I'd want my daughter to be, oh

I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
There's a stronger woman in me
I'm gonna be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
I won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman

This is me, packing up my bags
And this is me, headed for the door
And this is me, the best you ever had
I'm going to love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me even if someone cannot see
There's a stronger woman in me
I'm going to be my own best friend
Stay with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman
A stronger woman
There's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me

I'm not the most creative when it comes to telling people how I feel. I mostly just bottle it up and keep it to myself. Well, that hasn't worked in the past so I've decided to be a *bit* more open.

I chose this song because it pretty much sums up what I've been doing the past month or so. I tried so hard for so long to create a relationship that was ultimately going nowhere. I'm not going to bash Jon because he really is a great guy, as a friend, and we are still friends. We have just grown into two different people and our lives are taking us down separate roads. Whoever said "opposites attract" was a complete moron. The only thing that logic applies to is magnets.

I made the decision to move back to Kansas City with my family and end my relationship with Jon after 5 years, 11 months. It was a heartbreaking decision, but a necessary one. I will be going back to school as soon as financially possible (I seem to have lost my 2008 tax information for the time being) and I will be getting a PhD in Psychology. That is something that I've always wanted to do and I am ecstatic that I am finally putting that dream into motion.

Another thing I'm going to do is learn to drive. Yes, it is alright for you to chuckle at the fact that I am 22 years old and don't know how to drive. It is rather funny and pathetic at the same time. The truth is, I'm terrified of driving and can find no logical reason why. I suppose it could be that I've been in a couple wrecks and was hit by a car while walking to school one year. Or maybe it's that I'm not only responsible for my life but the others around me as well while behind the wheel. Whatever the reason, it scares the hell out of me. But I've realized that being able to drive myself where I need to go is a necessity. I've also learned that it is especially humbling to have your younger brother drive you to and from work. Yeah, I need a license...FAST! =)

I'm also taking some time to reflect on my life and what I want out of it. So what is it that I want out of life?
I want to be independent. I want to get my PhD. I want to get married and have a family. I want to fix my financial status and keep it that way. I want to wake up in the morning and actually be excited for the day. I want to meet a great guy and have a happy life together. Is that so much to ask for?

So after that, I decided I should define a "great guy" so that I know for sure what to look for when I meet someone. I want someone who has goals and a plan to reach them. Someone who wants to make a good life for themselves and it not satisfied with living off practically nothing. Someone who loves me, appreciates me, and lets me know it. (Please don't misconstrue that as me saying I want to be smothered and doted on daily, because I don't. It's the little things that make me the happiest.) I want someone who is family-oriented. Someone who is OK with spending time with their friends without me and is equally OK with me spending time with my friends without them and doesn't
need to know a detailed itinerary of my night, but will listen when I want to talk about it if something funny or crazy happened. Someone who doesn't make me think they are embarrassed to be with me. Someone who won't drool over some "hottie" right in front of me (I realize that all guys will drool over some scantily clad model, if she is clad at all, but seriously, my self-esteem is low enough already. I don't want or need you to drive it further into the ground.) I want someone who doesn't make me feel like a total inconvenience all the time. Someone who will stand up for me when necessary. I want a guy who can be himself around my family and friends and not sit there in the corner counting down the time until we leave. I want someone who can give me a straight answer when I ask a question. I want someone who has an opinion and won't hold it back when I ask for it, but is tactful in the delivery of said opinion if necessary. I want someone who cares. I want someone who is driven and realistically optimistic. I want someone who will actually get off their ass and do something to achieve their goals rather than just saying "oh I'll get to it later". Funny as it may sound, I want a guy who is actually into sports and will actually invite his friends over to watch the game. I want a guy who cares about what's going on in the world rather than just sit there and watch it pass by. I want a guy who looks at life as an adventure and isn't afraid to tackle it head on. So that's one hell of a definition but damn it I know what I want and I refuse to settle for anything less.

Believe it or not, I'm not the brainless idiot some people believe me to be. Sure I can be goofy and ditsy a lot of time but I've realize that it happens when I'm nervous. The behavior also serves as a wall that kept people from truly getting to know me. I've been hurt several times by a few people that were closest to me and it has left its scars. Some wounds have yet to heal. As a result, people have come to expect this behavior of me. So much so that when I share something I feel strongly about or say something profound or intelligent, I get "the look". By that, I mean the look that says "Did SHE just say that and where the hell did that come from?!?!" It hurts, it really does. I am capable of thinking and do so quite a bit, but like I said, I've been hurt and am extremely cautious of who I let my walls down for. I have also realize that by acting that way I tend to annoy people so I'm in the market for a new wall. Maybe one not so tall or thick, but I'm not ready to let just anyone in.

So this has turned out to be quite the post. I think I will end it here for tonight. And if the title or post haven't given it away yet, I tend to ramble. =)

Currently listening to: A Change of Pace
*I've been listening to them throughout the whole post and thought
nothing of their name until now. It seems appropriate. =)

Saturday, August 15, 2009

First Blog

Just started using this. Will post something worthwhile soon.