Saturday, September 19, 2009

Out Of My Head

Quick Reminder: This is me..100% real. If you're offended, tough shit doll.

So I found myself second guessing all the decisions I've made over the last few years. It feels like a made a wrong move somewhere. I know, beyond all doubt, that I am where I'm supposed to be. It shouldn't have taken so long to get here though. The major questions I have concern Jon. Hell, they all do. We spent everyday of six years together, literally. I can't seem to answer these:

1. Did I stay in Fargo too long?
2. Was Fargo a bad decision altogether? (except for the friends I made!!)
3. Did I stay with Jon too long?
4. Should Jon and I have been together at all?
5. **WHY** were we together?

Questions 4 and 5 bother me the most. I feel in my heart that one of those 5 was the wrong move. I just don't know which one.

When Jon and I were together I didn't feel like me. It was like I had to wear a mask (bad cliche, sorry) to make myself someone he would brag about. A girl he would be proud to be with. Yeah, that was an epic failure of untold proportions. It angered me when I had to pretend so I became a bitter bitch. That is just so NOT me! I just felt so stressed and uptight all the time. By the time we moved to Fargo, I knew it was over. I just wasn't ready to let go. I clung so hard and tried to beat my fairy tale into reality. I realized I was only with him because I lack self-esteem. Cuz really, who the hell would want me? I asked him once why he was with me, in hope of building my self-esteem. He shrugged and said he didn't know. That hurt. Alot. I knew I had to get out, but that meant giving up on my fairy tale.

The relationship just felt like more work than was necessary. I know you have work at a relationship to make it a success, but shouldn't most of it just be natural and easy? I never felt that with Jon. I never felt much of anything with him. Did I love him? Sure. But in hindsight, it was no more than the love I feel for my friends. All of that combined with six years of empty promises and hollow words, it was finally too much. Two years after moving to Fargo, I closed the book on my fairy tale and moved on.

That is where I am at now. Trying to figure out who I am and where I'm going. For those willing to bear with me right now, thank you. I <3 you!

Out Of My Head -- Fastball

Sometimes I feel

Like I am drunk behind the wheel
The wheel of possibility
However it may roll
Give it a spin
See if you can somehow factor in
You know there's always more than one way
To say exactly what you mean to say

Was I out of my head? Was I out of my mind?
How could I have ever been so blind?
I was waiting for an indication
It was hard to find
Don't matter what I say only what I do
I never mean to do bad things to you
So quiet but I finally woke up
If you're sad then its time you spoke up too

1 comment:

  1. there's a beck song that i love "i prayed heaven today would bring it's hammer down on me. and pound you out of my head. i can't think with you in it". emotions can kiss my ass.

    ReplyDelete